Finley Grace's Story {it was supposed to be}

Holding you in my belly was such a new experience for me.  There were trying moments at times but my favorite moments were, by far: feeling you move, seeing your sweet face, profile and spine on the ultrasounds, and when getting the NST's done I loved to see the 'happy peaks' and hear your heartbeat! I would ask the nurse to turn up the sound on the monitor just for me to hear your beautiful heart!YOU have a beautiful heart.

Your dad and I knew that the end of this pregnancy might be with a c-section because of my airway situation being more and more of a problem. However, things always change quickly. On January 10th your dad and I got some news from our high risk doctor.  

She found that I had preeclampsia, combined with high blood pressure and my airway. With that she wanted me to come into the hospital right then to be admitted and monitored with a c-section scheduled in my 37th week. 

With this news I was unable to finish the phone call with the doctor. Your dad had to take over, while I cried on the couch. 

I had wanted things to be so different. For one, I hadn't begun to 'nest' yet. This was something that I very much was looking forward to. I wanted things just right to bring you home. I wanted time in your nursery just to be thinking of you and organizing all your things. Two, I hadn't had my baby shower yet, in fact it was for the next day. And thirdly, I hadn't planned on this. Planning is one thing I need in my life. Have a plan and if it doesn't work out that's ok but at least you had a plan. 

Despite my doctors orders, I stayed at home that weekend. I tried to not think of the news I was given and tried to focus on the many blessings the that were in place for the weekend. The baby shower was beautiful and I didn't want to take away from that, so we had just told your grandma Kelly and Aunt Kelsie and Amy about the doctor's news. Plus anytime I began to think about going into the hospital and having you early it made me break down.

After stressing that weekend over the fact that I may be putting you at risk by not going into the hospital and after talking with your dad, aunts and grandma we decided I should go in. We ended up staying in the hospital for two weeks. Your dad stayed with us the whole time, sleeping on a chair for the first week, until we finally got him a bed. 

while in the hospital the doctors were all over the place. They didn't know what to do because they had never had a patient like me...someone who's pregnant with a very small airway that needed surgery (with preeclampsia on top of this). As well as someone who needs lots of research and evidence for a decision made. 

The pictures in the snow in Breckenridge were a few of the last with you in my belly. I kind of sensed that while I was there. This photo shoot was trying for me not being able to breathe well and just having a lot of stress about how this all would end; it wasn't how it was supposed to be. (I gave your aunts a lot harder time then they deserved on this shoot...but they loved me anyway. Thank you sisters for being there always. )  

At first the 9 months seemed like forever, and at times I thought I would be pregnant for the rest of my life...but at the end, looking back, it went so quick. And I found myself wishing I could keep you safe in my belly longer. I was wishing my silly condition wouldn't put you at risk in anyway. You were a perfectly happy baby in my belly, just perfect! was this how it was supposed to be?  

Within our two week "baby moon" at the hospital ;) our doctors had given so many different opinions and the roller coaster of emotions and decisions began ): 

1. Have throat surgery before the baby arrives. Putting me under with you still in my belly. This was at one point the route we were going to take but

2. My original ENT doctor left the country 

3. The fill in ENT didn't feel comfortable doing the surgery, which

4. Didn't make us feel comfortable having him do the surgery and we didn't want to put you at risk

5. This doc wanted to do a wake tracheotomy on me

6. WHAT THE HELL? 

7. That doc got upset with me and we never saw him again

8. We decided we would not do a throat surgery before you arrived and I would just breathe as well as I could until then, week 37 and one day. 

9. After many an email/ call made by your dad, he got in contact with our ENT

10. My ENT came back into town and made sure she would be there for the c-section and the throat surgery right after. 

11. And just when you think you may have a plan in place. God loves to throw in a curve ball...

12. The Docs needed to do my procedure on the 2nd O.R. floor where there is airway equipment but no family is allowed, meaning your dad couldn't be with us. 

13. THIS was my breaking point. This still is my breaking point and when I think about it, I cry. Your dad is the reason I was able to get through the pregnancy, the decisions, the trials. He is the one who is with us all the time. And although I prayed so hard about this, God had a different plan and your dad still reassures me that this was the way it was supposed to be. 

Karly and Abby colored pics and wrote notes for our stay in the hospital

Family visited daily with homemade food, inspirational books, and words and prayers. WE have the BEST family ever! 

Anything to 'help' me breathe better.

Monitoring Mom. BP and pulse ox. 

Monitoring baby, happy peaks! 

SISTERS are the best! My favorite treats!

my girls! 

Surgery monkey...I have too many of these but I am so thankful to have the comfort of mom and grandma June. 

I tend to always do the 'what if's'. What if I could have made it through a natural delivery, what if I could have kept you in longer, what if we didn't make the right decision. But the most wonderful man, your dad, balances me and reminds and reassures me that the 'supposed to be' might not have been our plans but its the right way.  

for someone that has a hard time deciding what they want off the menu, or deciding on a couch and then returning it.... making quick decisions about my life and our baby girl's life was not an easy task and it was only made possible by your dad, our family and GOD. Your arrival into the world taught me so much in just two weeks. I had to let go and trust the Lord with everything that I am. 

And then YOU CAME!

At 5:16pm 6 pounds 5 ounces and 19 inches long. 

You then taught me and your dad just how much our hearts can love.  

after all the tears of heart ache and pain came tears of love and indescribable joy. 

Seeing you, meeting you was seeing a bit of God, meeting a bit of heaven, witnessing pure love. 

You were healthy, happy and perfect. And once I heard you cry in the O.R. and I held you just before my throat surgery began,  I knew it was going to be ok. 

While you were being born. Your Doc liked to listen to music when operating. I vividly remember that once it was time for you to come into the world this song was playing loudly. The anesthesiologist asked them to turn it down because she couldn't hear my breathing but I still heard it.... 'Some Nights' by Fun. The 'end' of this video has a word that says it was how it was supposed to be.

Your Dad stayed with you the whole time while I was in surgery. 

And then we all got to be together

My throat surgery was a success and I am hoping that 4th times a charm on this one. 

My heart is full. 

These two are my reason. 

and in the end

we were going home healthy and together 

and that was

the way it was supposed to be. 

FIN